we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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