You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
