k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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