After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
