dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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