Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
