remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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