so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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