I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
