That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
