I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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