so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
