I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
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