I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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