I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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