then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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