i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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