he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
