Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You ruined the universe
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
