Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
