Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
