thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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