1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
