My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
