last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
