Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
