Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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