he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
sex in a hospital.. check
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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