I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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