She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
