I cannot find my penis.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
