I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
