Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
