After last night, I could never be a politician.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
