dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
