I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
