my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
