I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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