I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
