i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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