You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
