now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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