That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
