Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
