i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize