I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
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