i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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