I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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