A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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