Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize