you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
