I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
