Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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