I think I am morally bankrupt
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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