youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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