i wish starbucks made bloody marys
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just blew my weed a kiss
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
