Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
