It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
