who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
