i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize